{I figured out why, Ive been so…fucked up lately. I finally figured it out, and while it should be easier to grasp a hold of life now, it just seems to be all that much harder.}
This afternoon didnt go quite as I had planned, and it wasnt until I had opened the door that I realized I could have? Just not answered. But when functioning on little to no sleep, you tend to do…smart things, right? Right. I stood there, face to face with my manager wondering if I should close the door on his face and count to 10 in hopes hed disappear, or if I should ask him what he was up to. I opt for choice two, considering choice one wouldnt have done any good. He wanted to know if I could put in over time out at the river this afternoon. Paid. Overtime. You know? I glanced over my shoulder real quick like to look at the kids, hesitated a minute, and thats how I found myself rearranging my afternoon. I somehow figured I could manage a few hours out as tour guide, on little or no sleep, because you know, Im good like that?
I spent the next few minutes contemplating what to do and how to do it, and finally decided to leave the kids home. Alone. I told them all about how NOT to turn the stove on and how NOT to answer the door for ANYONE no matter WHO it was, I told them not to go out of the house no matter WHAT, and then quickly revised my plan telling them to only go out if there was a fire, in which case they were to go to the neighbors house, or if there was an emergency, not to be confused with a fight, they were to go to the neighbors house. Yea, I could have loaded them up and hauled them down there myself, but the melt down and fit that would have followed was to much for my mind to even think about. So yes. I left two kids home. Alone. Two sick kids, home, alone, that is.
Yes, I felt a twang of guilt as I headed off to play work overtime in the pouring rain (because if theres one thing were not short on this year, its the rain, seriously, I think it might be fall, or something…) I put in a full days worth of work in less than 3 hours and being the wise savvy one that I am, I sped off to my meeting that I was nearing to be late for, because once again, if theres one thing Im not short on, its bad planning. I peeled what wet layers I could off and ran into the States office appearing as if I had showered in my clothes just before I had come in.
This was a meeting I had been dreading since last week when she said I should have custody of THESE kids before we started Joshs case, because it could, and most likely WOULD get ugly. My file / case and I were sent packing up a level to meet a new “case worker” who apparently specializes in “Cases like these” I was a bit queasy to begin with, being up so high in the building, but I didnt want to push it, so I sat down, to regain my bearings before she ever so slowly explained who she was, and what her name was. I just stared, trying to figure out if I had “Stupid” plastered across my forehead, or if this was the kind of “Case” she was referring to. Either way…
It took about an hour for her to tell me everything I already knew, before I had to go, after remembering the OTHER kids that were still at home, ALONE. I thanked her, and promised Id get my lawyer back up. Because the only new thing she told me? Was that I needed to get my lawyer, because this was going to most likely get ugly. But…I could have told you that, in much SHORTER amount of time.
It wasnt till I was on my way home did I remember something I had long but forgotten. This coming…..Friday. Is August 1. This Friday will be one year, since Molly passed. One year since I wrote these little ditties that are still…hard to read, one year since I signed over those papers and held my breath as I watched her exit this world. One year…and gosh if it doesnt seem like yesterday, because I still wonder, at times, wither or not Im still suppose to be fighting her case as well. It was then that I figured out why, Ive been so…fucked up lately. I finally figured it out, and while it should be easier to grasp a hold of life now, it just seems to be all that much harder
I made my way home, and breathed relief when the house was still…you know, standing, atleast on the outside it was…and after begging and threatening my way IN the house, because apparently I had forgotten to mention, you know? Its ok to let ME back in? I discovered that they not only were ok, they had appeared to have enjoyed themselves, and as far as I can tell, they didnt fight and well…obviously, they didnt kill each other. The only complaint was that one felt like avocado (????) and the other was still really tired. But other than that…I think we might have figured something out. Atleast…for you know, now?
….and now if you’ll excuse me please, I have to attempt to get some sleep tonight, because I have to get up and do it all over again tomorrow….
Filed under: The kiddos
Last week, I wound up on the verge of getting sick, I managed to stop it at a very sore throat and a little loss of my voice. I never did get the whole ‘head part’ that usually accompanies those kind of things with me. That was over a week ago, and yet the end of last week, it became apparent that the kids were coming down with something. Most likely the new creative flu that the tourist hauled in with them. Lack of energy, accompanied with the frustrations of the world caused a very snotty mess. I stuck them in bed last night, early, because they were fighting each other with closed eyes they were so tired.
The snot and words that flew yesterday were to much to deal with, and at about 6, it was obvious they werent going to make it that much longer. Madison was on the verge of tears mostly all day, and even erupted into tears more than once. Dylan took to screaming things as often as he could, which resulted in the loss of his voice which only cause more frustration, and the stuffed up-ness that was involved was not a good mix. So I stuck them in bed, and 15 minutes later they were out. Like a rock. Or light. Which ever. I took advantage of that, and spent a few minutes cleaning up, but gave up and landed myself here, infront of the computer, searching out some way to make the week go better. I talked with a friend I hadnt heard from for a long time, and deleted a few things out.
Around 11, I found my way to the couch, and collapsed, myself, in hopes of a good night sleep and a new week with great hopes. Yea. If I havent learned anything? I should atleast learn not to do THAT. It was late, or early. Im not sure….either way, I was drug out of a deep sleep by screaming. At first I thought it was some weird dream of mine, it wouldnt have been the first. I lay there a few minutes, trying to arrange my thoughts and the cats creatively enough so I could go back to sleep before rolling out a few hours later. But then I heard whining and noises coming from the kids room. I bust into the room ready to attack whoever it was hurting the kids. But…there was no one. Infact, it was dark, and quiet.
It took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, on the top bunk, Madi was still, sound asleep. But on the bottom bunk Dylan flipped back and forth. I staggered over to see what was up. He lay still a few minutes before flipping around….and that…is how the night continued on. Because not 10 minutes later he woke himself up by laying whatever he had eaten the day before, and then some, all over his bed. To say it scared him, I think would be an understatement. It continued on, until the early hours of the morning, and just as the sun light came up over the mountain, he fell into a heaping mess on the floor.
I pulled the door shut and collapsed back onto the couch, only to be waken again, by screaming. But this time, by Madi. Who had slept through the excitement of last night, and didnt know everything was (finally) under (somewhat) control. She just woke up to see her brother on the floor and nothing on his bed, and, of course, feared the worse. That accompanied with her ability to spring tears on just about anything, meant I was up, again, with less than an hours sleep, to deal with her, and then he started up again…and my alarm clock went off and and and and…..
you do the math.
Im home today. Home with two sick kids, and a heap of laundry that I fear I might have to do. Not because I want to, but because of the panic/gagging/coughing fits that were being had by all on the way out the door, that caused a major melt down and crying gig from one that will remain unnamed, I think it might be obvious, however. I never wanted to be a doctor, or a nurse, I never wanted to work with sick people, or see people die…yet it would seem that my entire life has been chalked up to doing all of those things. All Ive done today is dish out cold medicine, & wipe up messes. Theyve both expressed their want for their mom today, in more than one way. Its enough to send me over the edge, because theres nothing more Id love to do then to be able to hand them back over to their mom. I fear things are off to another bad start….that things arent going to ever be straightened out, and I will wind up dealing with more and more things that I really…dont want to.
Im not wishing I didnt get them back, Im not saying that things have only been terrible since theyve been back, there has been ups and downs. Someday, there will be more ups than downs, someday, when we get things straightened out and remember how to get along. Someday….when my mind stops spinning and I catch up on things, someday when I figure this mess out…maybe then…we can return to being normal. But until then, we will just make do with what we have, and I will try to remember why I signed up for this in the first place…try to remember while it wouldnt exactly be MY first choice? That the kids even had less of a choice….that it wasnt their idea, either. Someday we will sort things out…but until then, we will try to remain civil about things….until then…..
