Tunnel Vision

{Maybe its the rare sunny day, or maybe its the new ‘plan’ in effect, but for whatever reason, the kids have seized their fighting (atleast for now) and have taken to “Selling stuff” and messing around, outside}

Im not sure why, but for whatever reason today, it became crystal clear, the reason for atleast some of the problems around here.  Instead of adjusting the way I would have hoped, the kids have become antsy and unrelaxed.  Its like they are waiting to be shuffled off to another home, like they arent sure they are really going to stay here.  Bad, irresponsible planning on my part has resulted in stress and insecureness for them, and for whatever reason it became obvious what was going on, today.  Getting up at 5am to be shuffled off to some unsuspecting neighbor, isnt the way for kids their age should have to live.  They shouldnt have to suffer because of my half baked ideas that I “THINK” will work.

So this afternoon, after work, I loaded them up in the truck, tossed them a piece of paper and pen and told them to jot down what they hoped to accomplish before summer was over and school started.  They laughed, and talked, and joked back and forth, as I silently wondered if they were giving any thought to the task I had given them.  I pulled into the store parking lot, tossed them a 5 dollar bill and told them to get something to drink.  They bounced off laughing like two long lost pals all set to get some sugar loaded drink while I sat reading the list they had come up with.  Two pages, there were.  Two pages of ideas, and dreams they hoped would come true in the few short months that were to come.  “Catch bugs, build a fort, win a soccer game, tease the dog” was on one list, while the other read “Make new friends, sleep outside, go to the beach, go swimming”.  Ok, so not quite the answers I was looking for, but hey, it was something.

They came bumbling back, laughing at some inside joke, as I sped off in hopes to find an answer to the new found problem.  We hit up the library, REC center and swimming pools.  We stopped off at a few day care centers and pulled a few numbers of bb sitters looking for jobs.  We wound up with more pamphlets than I know what to do with, but the hope was there that somewhere in there, was an answer.  Sure, we wound up with “Quilting class” and “Knitting 101″ but we also go a few hits on swimming, and soccer games.  We found out where and when certain activities are being held, and jotted down the numbers, dates and times.  We went home with more information than processable, but still…the hope was there.

It was exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.  Not only did it put a (temporary?) end to the fighting, and arguing, it gave us a chance to spend time together while finding something productive to do.  A list of numbers, and things to check out was made, and the excitement they showed simply THINKING about this new plan was enough to show me that we were heading in atleast the general direction of the right way.  We got a plan made for tomorrow, and are eager to see how it will turn out.

Instead of waking up at 5 am with me, they will instead, get up at 7.  Instead of being shuffled to some neighbors house, having no idea who or where they were going to be spending the day, or what to expect, they will walk the 10 minutes it takes to get to a friend of mine, who happens to live down the street (and yes, she agreed to watch them).  When I get off work, we will hit up the library where they can check out books while I check into some options or, leads, on our list to see if I can piece together a plan for the following day.

If nothing else, Ive learned a few things from these past few days.  Mainly that of, if Im not confident with something I say, or tell them to do?  How can I expect them to give me back anything more than that?  They feed off of what I give them.  If Im not confident when I tell them to do something, how can I not expect them to argue and fight, and question things.  If nothing else, I need to appear somewhat confident with my decisions even if im not, because even if they dont work out the way I would have hoped, they turn out none the less, because they greeted it with confidence.

No, its far from over.  Less than five minutes ago they were having an argument over who should wake up first, and then, who should decide what to eat.  The kinks arent all worked out, and the plan isnt complete.  But its a start.  Its something they can plan on, atleast the day before, and hopefully it will release some of the stress and up tightness they have.  Hopefully it will work out the way Im hoping, and HOPEFULLY things start to smooth out some.  I still have a lot to think over, and answers to come up with.  I still have tons of questions, and no answers…but the sun is shinning, the kids are outside playing…and Ive got an idea Im HOPING will work…if not, were once again, back to square one.

If you will excuse me now, I must break up a fight…something along the lines of “Who made more money, and who did more work”

Will it ever end?