Its been one of those days where Ive been on the edge of everything, constantly having to remind myself to get up, to pick myself back up and move on. To not stop, not to get stuck, dont get hung up on things, dont pay any attention, just….keep on moving. Someday, eventually, we will reach that spot where its smooth sailing, but until then, I believe I will have to continually remind myself of these things.
My mom left today, and while I assumed I would be happy to see her go, it was a wrong start to the morning, because not only were the kids up with us at 5am, I was watching out the window, wishing her to come back and not leave me with them, but as she said, it will be good to sort things out, alone…with just them. She said shed be back, and I have no doubt that she will be, I just doubt that things will ever get sorted out over here…in this corner of the world.
While I have tried…really hard, to place myself in their position, and see where they are coming from, while Ive tried to put everything everyones told me about how to react to how they react….Ive got news…simple news….Its not working. Ive tried reason, Ive tried understanding, and alone time, Ive tried separation, and talking it out, Ive tried calmness, and even a few times, Ive exploded…Nothing seems to be working. Infact, I havent seen any changes. I know…I know….its the transition thats hard, that rocks the boat and sends everyone off whack. They too, are trying to figure things out. I know that. Ive been told that. I already get that. Im just not sure how to deal with it.
This morning after peeling my face off the window I turned to see a destroyed house and two wild kids and a clock that read 5:30 am. I looked to see an empty coffee pot, and an unpacked bag, I looked to see myself not ready for work, and still unsure of where to leave the kids, and I saw a clock that was unforgiving, and ticked on. I rushed them around, and threw things together, and somehow, together, we managed to stumble out the door, locking it behind us, only to remember that the keys to the house were in the house. I rushed them to the neighbors house, introduced myself, and the kids, and asked for a great BIG favor, for her to watch them as I went to work. Im still not sure if it was the early hour morning or the position of the question, but she agreed and I was off to work, 10 minutes late.
All day, Ive thought about them, reasoned with them (in my mind) and came to some form of agreements/understandings with them (in my mind). I rushed out of work late and barely made my appointment with the state. I was given another court date (to finish the paper work) and some more information on Josh. I was told to come back again….next Monday, after all the paper work is finalized with these two, and wed talk. Josh. It sure didnt sound good…but hey…what the heck. I dropped by the store and grabbed a few things to feed the kids, and sped off. So I was a little later than I said, and I may have left them with the unsuspecting neighbor a little over 12 hours…but yea…I arrived back. The kids were shoved out, the door slammed, and locked. Im assuming that means no to tomorrow.
Then the night continued. As I tried to find a way IN the house, the kids found ways to entertain themselves. It was at about that moment that the skies opened up and the rain that had been threatening all day, poured out….as I tried to squeeze in a window, silently wondering WHY I had even bothered replacing them. We filled in, and the night began. They argued over who should look in the bag first, the argued over who GOT the bag, they argued over who got what plate, they argued over who should get what cup, and over who got to sit where. They argued over who got to pick out a move, who got to put it in, and who got to press play. They argued over wither or not it was too loud, or to quiet, wither it was sunny or rainy, if it was day or night. They argued, and fought, and yelled. They whined, the screamed, and shrieked, they did nothing in quiet voices. Infact, they didnt even notice when I slipped outside to collapse in frustration and wonder over what I had just gotten myself into.
I realize, they too, are having a hard time adjusting. I know its not easy for them, but seriously, the yelling, shrieking, name calling, whining, fighting, constant arguing, threatenings…..it wears at one, or atleast…at me! So I went outside, sat down on the step and pulled my hair out in frustration, as I tried to think of something, anything that would snap them out of the mode they seem to be stuck in. I know…its normal. I know…its typical. I know…I should understand it. I know! But I fucking do not know how the hell to DEAL with it. I walked out to cool off, I walked off to clear my mind, I walked off to regather myself before I exploded and lost any chance I had, I walked off…I did what THEY say to do…and know what? It DIDNT work.
Because when I turned around, and went to walk back in? The door was locked. My key was IN the house, and the kids? Well…lets just say they were YELLING SO DAMN LOUD they couldnt hear that I was on the OUTSIDE. Infact, they didnt hear me as I pounded on the door yelling insane things at them, while all the neighbors looked on in disgust, wondering which one of them would be called on at 5am the following day. However, I think I already know the answer to that one. I dont think any of them will open their doors. Infact, I dont think I have a chance tomorrow…that is…if we make it through tonight.
