Tunnel Vision

so here it is…that which was intended to be for yesterday…Im behind the times over here, and only slipping away faster and faster….

{….Also, the fact, Im sure that I havent been feeling that swift (hello, and thanks weather and stress for that!)….}

Ive been sitting here a few minutes, watching the cursor blink on and off, trying to think how to say something….because as much as I would like to say things have been smooth sailing, I dont think Id kid anyone, not even myself. It hasnt been easy, and yet, I hesitate to say anything, worried that Ill say something or give the impression that Im ungrateful to have these kids home, finally. Its not that. It just hasnt been easy. While Im nothing less that thrilled that they are here, and that chapter of life can be closed…it hasnt been an easy start.

Its difficult to watch and see the kids try and find some way to fit into this new life theyve been thrown into. Difficult to watch and see them try and interact as siblings again, after being apart for over a year…difficult to watch as one walks away from things, unsure how to react, as the other collapses in tears because shes just so…torn and unsure what to do. Its difficult to know how to deal with certain behavior, and how to correct certain things with out giving the impression that Im happier to have one back over the other. Its especially difficult trying to figure out how to be fair, and un favoritism, because while Im not torn between the two, its hard to outwardly be fair, and understand to both their needs, in seperate ways, without giving off the wrong impression.

…and just when you think youve got it figured out, and things are smooth sailing….it crumbles, and someone did this, and someone did that, and look what someone did, and hey why do you like him more than me, or why do you give her that, but you wont let me do this?

Its harder than I remember it being…but maybe its because they are older now…and its been a while…and while I try to be as sensitive as I can to their needs, its also difficult to factor in there, that Im just getting used to this whole thing too….its new…its hard…its confusing…and tomorrow…I will be flying solo when my mom flys out…and I still have yet to figure out what to do with them. Im not try to say that Id trade this in…because its what Ive fought so hard for this past year…and Im not saying that Id give up…its just….difficult to try and figure out….

Its like stepping onto foreign grounds, and trying to figure things out, with two small people thinking youve got it all figured out, so you should know how to handle these small break downs and outbursts….and I should….right? I mean…shouldnt I??

Like when I opened the door this afternoon after work, and instantly thought I had walked in the wrong door and briefly considered turning around, and walking off…because as soon as the door cracked, I was instantly greeted with the unjust things this world had served them in the 6 hours I was gone, and my mom? She look about ready to pull her hair out. I hadnt even had a chance to put my things down, or take my boots off…or even walk in the door for that matter…and they were already in a full heated argument over who got the top bunk, and why. They both were pleading their cases before me in top notch voices yelling at each other and me at the same time.

…and just when I thought we had that one settled, and life was smooth sailing again, they erupted over some past episode that I had apparently…missed….and each had their own version, and when they didnt match up…yet another…argument. By the time I deposited them in their beds, I was ready to close the door and regain my bearing, all while trying to remember what I had done….when that all to familiar welcoming screech came…”Uncle Dave!?” I turned around…to see Madison perched on the top bunk frantically waving a book over her head. Right. I had promised to read a story…

30 minutes later I was squeezing out from the hard metal that had been shoving into my side for the past 1/2 hour and pulled the covers back up over them. I stood there a few minutes…listening to them breath. Looking around at what used to be an empty room. Just as I shut the door, I remembered why I was fighting for them…not that I had forgotten or anything…just temporarily misplaced the thought…I just wonder….

Why cant they be as calm during the day, as when they sleep, and why…oh why.. cant they atleast sleep without fighting, or atleast….you know…part of the night? Because really, there isnt anything better to end out a hard day than watching the to arch enemies finally put away their seperate ways and exist peacefully together, to let you know that all is not a loss.