A year ago, I, like most other people, had the luxury of having phone access. If, you could call it that. Luxury, that is. The only reason I usually had access to it, was because I lived with other people, who had it and, well, tearing phones out of the wall and destroying them wasnt an option. Although I did do that once. In my opinion I spent to much time waiting for a dreaded answer from that phone. I spent to much time hoping that with that ring, my life would change…for good. But every time that phone rang, a paralyzing vibrate would shoot through my body. Bad news, life shattering calls, came all to often, and for me were associated with the phone as being the cause.
When I moved, I left behind the phone capabilities and even temporarily thought about getting rid of the internet as well, but that thought only lasted briefly. While today, I only have one phone line coming into the house, and that line, is permanently connected to the computer, I still, on occasion, have access to a phone. Like on weekends, I call my mom, if shes like…not here, or I dont forget. But for the most, I stay away from the phones.
Last night, though, I was thinking again. Wishing for once that I had a phone. But not any old phone. A special phone. One that could take you back in time and you could call up people who have since, passed on. Last night I was ready to find that phone and call my sister.
Tell her that if she hadnt died I wouldnt be in this situation. Tell her that if she were still here…I wouldnt be NEEDING this advice. Tell her that if she were here….her kids would have a better shot at things. Tell her that I know she didnt want to leave them behind, but….that she did. Tell her that Im not cut out for this job like she thought I was. Tell her everything I never got to. Tell her I wish I would have spent more time with her, and spent more time listening, and appreciating her. Tell her…that now, more than ever…I need her advice. Tell her all the things that have happened, spill everything out and not have to worry about what she would think. Not have to worry about the things shed say back, and know full well that even if she had a lot going already, shed take the time to listen to me spew all my problems out, and then listen…as she gave some smart advice followed up by a joke or two and the world suddenly would be…just that much lighter.
No matter what time it would be, shed answer. 2am. 10pm. 4:30 am. She was ready to listen. Id tell her I was sorry for not taking more time to listen to her, and hear what she had going on, and give her a chance to get things out. Tell her that If I could do it all over again, Id listen more, talk less. Tell her that if things could be done over, that I would try to be a better person, try to help out more, and try to be more understanding. Try to be more like her, who, at her maddest, would calmly walk away and say she needed a few minutes. The patience. The calmness. The….sanity she had. The knowledge, understanding and caring she showed.
But…that phone wasnt there.
I threw it out.
I got rid of it.
I lost it.
When she died, all answers, knowledge, understanding was gone. All windows of opportunity, lost. I never did get a chance to tell her just how much she meant to me. I never did think twice about calling her in the middle of the night. Never did question wither or not shed be there tomorrow, because she was my sister. Shed been there for as long as I could remember and gone before I could process what was going on. She was there one minute, with advice, understanding, and an open ear and gone the next leaving me to attempt picking up the pieces and trying to understand what was going on, with not only my life, but with her life and the lives of her kids. I wanted to call her last night and ask her if I would be able to not only go forward with my life, but with them as well. Would it be possible for them to succeed if Im involved in any way. Would they be better off if I left them. After all, they are her kids, she would know them best. But then, I realized that I wouldnt have to be asking her these questions….if only maybe, I had payed attention. I would be able to call her, I would be able to ask her questions, I wouldnt have to ask her THESE questions….if she were still here. Infact, I wouldnt have had to call her last night at all for advice. I could have just called and asked her how she was doing…that is, if she were still here.
