Filed under: Good for nothing thoughts
Late night, disconnected thoughts from a sleep deprived mind.
Tomorrow, is most likely the day Ive anticipated longer for than anything before. A day that a year ago…was merely a distant dream that didnt exist. Something thats kept me going for a while now. When I first made the choice to turn my life around…this day, didnt exist. But here I am…staring it in the face…and for some reason, I can get myself to the place Id like to be. But I guess that life isnt all about happy times. For some reason, tonight, as hard as I pull, I cant drag myself out of the hole Ive seemed to landed in. The one that swallows you up and fills you with doubt and second guessing.
The one that gives loneliness a whole new meaning. A whole…different definition. The one that puts a whole new look on sadness. Some reason, tonight, the one night of the year Id THINK things would be different, Ive found myself drifting towards the past…I find myself looking back, and wanting that familiar….the old….the….known. I find myself fighting to move forward, It would seem that Im paddling upstream….yet I dont know why. After all…Im here. Tomorrow is THE day. Yet here I am…staring the past down the neck…wishing…wanting…waiting.
Tomorrows another day…Im holding out hope that maybe, somehow…it to….will be different.
Changes, New, Future. All things that Ive yet to get over myself with. All things I tend to dread. I think sometimes that Im one of those people who would be perfectly happy to stay where I am. With what I have. To do the same thing over and over and over and over. But then…sometimes I wonder if Ill ever get a sense of identity with all the moving I do. Ive chocked it up to being over stressed, under slept and overly freaked out. Hopefully tomorrow will change things, and I will be headed in the general direction of “There” and not back.
Hopefully tomorrow Ill have enough wits about me to answer questions correctly, and stay confident. Hopefully, all this will go away by tomorrow…but some reason, I have a bad thought that I will be walking in there wondering what Im doing. Where Im going, and who I am. Because right now, I have no idea. I just wish….things were like they used to be. Wish they would claim some sense of a normalcy. Wish….wish…wish….keep on wishing…but it does no good….
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Heres to a better tomorrow…..
