Tunnel Vision

Random things today reminded me of Emmy. Someone mentioned her name today for the first time in…who knows how long without me starting it up. I read something about learning to love while you still can. Just….random things, that brought it up. I got to thinking about her late last night, and then today just sort of ended up lurching into full flood memories of her. While I know I could come up with something much better…I just…wont. Because right now, I really just need to stop, and reflect on her. Its been a while.

With things going so hectic, its easy to forget about those who mean so much. Its easy (atleast for me) to get wrapped up in what Im doing, that stopping, and remembering is something that just…isnt needed. Or so it seems. While it hasnt been hard to think of her this time around…its been…not exactly easy either.

I thought about you again today, the sky turned a fiery red, before it started raining. I thought about you a long hard while this afternoon, I was really lonely…playing tour guide…alone…without my side kick. I wonder sometimes if thats something Ill ever get over. Not you, not your memory…but the emptiness you left. Because its something no one could fill, but you. You were such a special little girl, atleast to me. While no one dares to mention your name anymore…I still see the sparkles in your eyes, and the smile on your face and if I try hard enough, I can still feel your hugs and hot breath and fingers on my neck as you rub them back and forth.

I thought really hard about you for a long time last night as I lay there…alone. Wishing with everything in me, that you could be in that little room. Wishing that if I wished hard enough, maybe just maybe you could somehow, come back? That if I thought long and hard, maybe I could bring you back. But then again, that would be selfish, now, wouldnt it? It hasnt been clear here at night for a long time, but a few weeks ago, the moon was out big and bright, the way you liked it. I heard you gasp and saw you point. I closed my eyes, and you were here. Looking at the stars with me. The stars were bright, shinning. The sky was a deep royal blue, the moon…so perfect. The air crisp and cool. But that didnt matter, because you were here again. But then, I opened my eyes…and it was just me. Standing there, staring at the dark sky. Looking at ordinary stars, and a moon. Nothing out of the ordinary about that.

I lay there last night, and I could see the sparkle in your eye as you flashed that grin of yours, and took off running. I smiled as I thought back to those days. It seems the further along time ticks, the further away your memory fades, and pretty soon your nothing but a vague item of my imagination. But…your something better than I could ever have imagined. You were…so much more than I could have ever hoped for. You put the sparkle in my eye, and the jump in my steps. You made the stars extraordinary, and the moon seemed brighter when you were here.

You would have been turning six this fall. To think that you would have been six is almost harder to imagine than you being gone for almost four years. You taught me more than I could have ever learned, you taught me more than I could have ever taught you. Your more than I could have ever asked for, and Im the luckiest person around for being your daddy, even if for only two short years.

I miss you like crazy but love you the same. Bear hugs and kisses coming your way. Looking for the rainbows in the stars, and your smile tonight,

Your dad