Tunnel Vision

I was all hyped up for writing something about this weekend…I had it all typed up, ready to go, but then…it got deleted, and before I rewrote it, there was a knock on the door.  The knock on the door always sends chills up and down my spine, because no one ever comes by here unless they want something, or need something…or you know…are selling something of the sorts.  I sighed, pushed back and abandon all thoughts at the desk as I ventured to the door to see what moron was here and what they wanted or rather, what I had.

I opened it to see an old friend.  Him and I go waaay back…oh…10 years or so…a neighbor…a friend…when I first met him, he had maybe four teeth, and coming from Cuba, I wasnt really interested in trying to understand him, but over the years Ive known him, Ive come to really enjoy his company, and friendship, because really, there isnt anything like a “Friend” whos there…all the time sort of thing.  Not “There” like hanging over your shoulder staring all the time, but there…if times get tough going.  While he never had much money, he would have given anything off his back to anyone – which is why he never had much.

He recently started working, this year, for the tour company Im working for, only in a different area…I guess these past few months weve gotten wrapped up in life, and sort of…drifted off and hadnt kept in contact that great.  However, in this town, its impossible to go anywhere, do anything with out SOMEONE knowing.  So tonight when he showed up on my doorstep, it wasnt THAT great of a shock, as it was a surprise.  I widened the door, invited him in, and pulled a cup out for coffee.  As he added flavors and sugar, I poured a cup for myself, and put the pot back.  I opened the door, pulled out an empty cup for ashes, and pulled out a smoke.

He hadnt said much, which was odd…but hey…we all have quiet days, right?  He picked up his coffee, looked in, and set it back down, his eyes shot to the floor, “How’ve you been?” I asked, lighting a smoke.  “I been like….shit” he muttered.  He muttered something “……..died” he muttered.  I froze mid air.  Dead?  Who?  He muttered again, I thought at first thought it was his dog…”When did that happen?” I asked.  “July third” his voice cracked.  Then…it hit me upside the head, in one of those stupid light bulbs go off, moments.  He wasnt saying his dogs name, he was saying the name of a friend.  My hand froze mid air…

Years ago, her and I used to go out drinking, she was a really heavy drinker.  There were times that I talked with him, and he told me stories about what she had done the night before, because in his fatal attempt to stop her from drinking, he put her up in his apartment, only to have her destroy it.  Just this last month I had seen her.  She didnt look so good, I told her she really needed to get things together, that she was going to her death bed if she kept it up…but..she was in good spirits…she seemed ok…there was really no way she could be dead…a month later.

“I just dont feel good, man” he muttered before lighting a smoke for himself.  Two tears fell.  But no more.  “She…” his voice cracked.  “Her mother…tells me that all she wanted was to see me before she die…and I didnt…” he went on to say that he hadnt seen her because of things with his ex wife, because even though they are divorced, he, because of his big heart, stayed with her, and they live together….with their dogs.  “Im not going to ever do that again, man…Im not…” he paused, and drank some coffee.  “Im not going to turn my back on my friends like that again…I dont care….about…any of that…Im not even…..” he sighed and took a deep breath “…not even sad that she died…she knew it was coming…I just….I feel like shit…I could have been there”  He made a fist with his hand, and stared out the window.

I meanwhile, was still froze in position of “about ready to smoke, but not quite” my smoke, was burning away, but I coulnt move.  I was still think…”How….??”  I managed to move, and stop drooling from standing so long with my mouth open, but that was about it.  No words of encouragement, no words of advice, not even a “Damn, Im so sorry” just me…stupid…staring…and wondering…”How”  We stood there a few minutes, he and I, him looking out the window, regaining himself, and me, staring, trying not to drool, watching my smoke burn away.  I shifted to another foot, took one drag of my smoke, and tossed it out.  I stared at my coffee, that was….still…in my other hand, where I had left it.  It was as if I had temporarily stepped out of my body, and was now watching from a distance.

Like him, I wasnt exactly sad that she was gone, because yea…she was on her way out?  But…her family.  Her son, her daughter.  Their dad died years ago because of a drug addiction, and now, their mom…because of alcohol.  But stronger than that was the comparison, that I was heading there.  That I was going down that same road with her…that had I not stopped?  I would have been heading out, just like her, to be turned back over to ashes.  It hurt…a lot…to hear about it…to know what her family is going through, and will be for the next few years.  But it was just further reconfirmation as why Im doing this.  Not for me, not for my ideas, my schemes, and not to keep me around any longer….but for the kids.

I dont want them going out and thinking that you can just drink lifes problems away, and throw things right and left and expect them to turn out just fine.  I dont want them to think that that is how you should deal with problems.  I want them to know that they do matter, if to no one else, to me.  I want to teach them that even though problems that life feeds you, are difficult, tragic and hard to deal with?  They CAN be over come.  I want them to know this.  I want to be able to tell them these things, and I want to be there, to see them conquer their own problems, I want to watch them grab life by the horns, and stare it down and tell it to fuck off because they WILL push on.  Its just reconfirmation.  Thats all.  I just hope I make it through tomorrow.

After I came back down, I made some gesture-matic hand motions, proving that I was paying attention, really, I was, to what he was saying, and also, proving my stupidity, or my body was just getting used to me being in itself again, because i dumped coffee, and swore and just like that blurted out how sorry I was that this happened, all of that happened in less than 3 seconds.  Oh, sometimes, I can be oh so brilliant, I cant believe myself.  After cracking some wise ones, busting a gut laughing, I closed the door behind him, and regained myself.  Suddenly…tomorrow didnt seem so bad.  Even though it will find me helping another person clean out their house, of things from the deceased (because in my stupidity, I signed up for something like that).  Even though I have an appointment I dont want to go to…Its ok…it really…really…is…and maybe if I say it enough?  It REALLY will be.