Tunnel Vision

Its finally happening. Its finally coming into full view, and Im starting to see tomorrow as another chance, not a dread. Its finally happening, and come the 15th of this month, I will be walking into court, most likely sleep deprived (because honestly? Im not going to be sleeping much the night before) and scared out of my skins.

I was looking back at a few things I had written, mainly at this. I laughed, looking back. The “book of things” I had to complete in order to get the kids back? Count it done. Mostly. Because come the 15th, I will be turning that worn out “Book” in to see what happens. Im shocked. Not only because time has crept up on me, and not only because I seem to have lost a few days somewhere, but because I made it…here. To where I am now, and as it currently stands, Im not backing down. Im not going anywhere anytime soon, atleast, I dont plan on it.

Now, these thoughts have been thundering through my mind the last few days, but Ive been doing my best to think “Positive” or atleast not…”Negative” as Im told I do to often. Of course, I havent had much time for “deep thinking sessions” but still, none the less, when I think, Ive been trying to work on it. Anyways…yesterday I walked in the states office, good thoughts (I think) running through my mind, when it came to my knowledge that….while…3/4 of what Ive been pushing for, is most likely going to be on my doorsteps sometime this month…there is still…one issue…one problem, that I havent even started to consider.

….and then it hit me. Just how close I was to loosing those kids…for good, and just how close I am to loosing Josh…for good. Positive thoughts and good thinkings left the building about then, and I got down to serious thinking (amazing, I know). While I was waiting for my turn at the “Desk office” I had a few minutes to turn over some thoughts. Josh related thoughts. I realize, that Im only his uncle, I know that Im single, and that I cant provide a well rounded home or care for a “mentally handicap” individual. I understand that. I know that there is a family who wants him, and that his dad is doing everything in his power to stop me from getting involved. I realize also, that I have basically no power over these things…but….

I am his uncle, arent I? A blood relative. I did care for him when he was little. I may not have given him the BEST care, but he did make it to where he is, didnt he? He wasnt ever hospitalized for “Abuse” while I had him, was he? Thoughts like these started assembling, and when it was my turn, I waited patiently (as best I could) until she stopped talking (or rather, I stopped her) and I let loose. I know she said I didnt have MUCH of a chance, but didnt I have SOME chance? Albeit small, very very VERY small, it turns out, I do. That was all I needed.

Because Im not stopping until I have FULL custody of all three kids.

She sighed, took off her glasses, and prepared to give me one of those speeches about how I should let go of this already. She opened her mouth, but said nothing. So I filled in her lack of words. “Whats the next thing to do, because Im getting him back” I think she knows Im serious, I just dont know what kind of water Im going to start treading now, because she said we should most likely wait until I have custody of the other kids back, before I mess with this one. But that doesnt matter….she said I had a chance…and thats all I needed to hear.

Amazing…what a slight glimmer of hope will do to a person. Screw the positive, screw the negative…give me a chance, a small glimmer of hope, and Ill go and make a fool out of myself…but hey? Thats what Im here for, right? I just wonder how many times I have to prove myself wrong, before I prove it to be right.