This week

Ive recently been doing a lot of thinking on how I react to people.  I touched on it a bit, and then listened to a very interesting debate on the same topic and have come to realize, that I don’t respond the way I should.

Sure, I can usually muddle through a grocery store without getting TOO upset at people, but when the people that you are living with day in and day out do something completely, stupid for no reason at all – I have a bit harder of a time understanding where they are coming from, and having compassion for.

This past week has been a difficult one for me, for reasons Im not really ready to get into yet.  I told exactly two people – one responded the way I assumed, with the kind of understanding and readiness to listen whenever.  The other – told me how it was, threw it in my face, and went back to their own problems.  In short, they put an end to me telling anyone else about what has been going on.  People, who are friends.  Who I have given hours and hours of support to, suddenly turning the other direction when I need some help.

I suppose I should be used to it really.  I know how people respond.  I know that people love to talk about themselves, and I know they need to.  I don’t mind listening to people, or helping.  I really don’t.  But sometimes, I have a problem that I just cant sort out myself.  And this week has been one of those weeks.  I don’t need advice, I don’t need answers.  I simply needed someone to listen, and one person did – and one person didn’t.

Now I should probably stop right here and just focus on the one who listened, and cut the rest of the people out of my life because who has time for that?  But I cant.  Because they are both good friends.  And so instead I suck it up and move on like nothing has happened – except that it has, and I just cant google the answer to this.  I need feedback.  I need help.  I need answers.  And I have no where to turn.  Making an already difficult situation – harder.

Because when you think  people  have your back and they instantly turn the other way when things get tough – you kind of wonder about humans.  I try to focus on those who add something to this world.  I try to focus on the good, I try to remember that everyone has problems, and that my life and issues really mean nothing to anyone else….but.  But.  But.

Sometimes, I need a little bit.  As selfish as it is, yes I sometimes need an ear to bend.  I need someone to yell at, or yell with.  I need someone who understands.  I cant always be the one holding everyone up – I too, cave.

This week has been a trying week.  Its showed me the true colors of two people.  And opened a whole new world of someone I love very deeply.  Life sucks sometimes.  Its hard.  It doesn’t make sense.  And sometimes, I don’t WANT to support others.  But I know they need it too.  Just as badly, if not more so than me.  And so instead of getting mad, I try to suck it up.  Until I cant suck anymore.  There comes a point, when I can no longer suck it up.  And that point comes when something is no longer just my problem, but the problem of someone I love.

And this week – I can no longer just sit still and suck it up.  I have to fight.  I have to find answers.  I have to find help.  I have to find something in this world that makes NO sense to me.  Because someone I love, needs me to.

Im sorry if I can no longer hold you up.  Im sorry to those I can no longer help.  My priorities lie with the ones that are closest to me, and this week – some have shown me that they really arent as close as I thought.

Dont forget to stop

Sometimes I get upset with this broken world, full of selfish, stuck up, self centered people.  Such as myself.

Sometimes I really just don’t understand this world.  These people.  Who are in such a hurry to get from one point to another.

Sometimes I just want to yell at them to STOP.  GETTING.  SO.  CAUGHT.  UP.  In things that don’t matter.

Sometimes I do.  I do tell them this.  But the words fall on deaf ears.  Because people?  Are in such a big hurry.  A hurry, to hurry up and wait.

Sometimes I wish people would tell me to just STOP.  And take it all in.

Sometimes I wonder where these people are going.  So fast.  In such a hurry.

Sometimes I watch people, so frantic.  So fast.  Hurrying, scurrying.  Running.  Speeding.

Sometimes I wish for a slower pace of life.  Sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to be a part of this hurried world.  In such a hurry that they don’t stop and realize whats important.

In a world with instant everything.  In a world of fast cars.  Moving sidewalks.  Airplanes.  Microwaves.  Email.  Drive-throughs.  Express delivery.  Telephones.  Smart phones.

In a world where you want it – you got it.

I think we forget.  I think we forget that we arent the only ones here.  That there are others out there, and sometimes – we just need to slow down.  Put the brakes on.  Enjoy each others company.  Book some time off to do absolutely nothing.  Travel.  See the world.  Let someone cross the street.

But instead.  We create groups where we celebrate, and pat each other on the backs for doing things that we already SHOULD be doing!  We praise people who do simple acts of kindness.  We call them heros when they save their neighbor from a burning building.  But why?  Shouldn’t we all be doing this?  Shouldn’t we all be reaching our hands out to help another?  Shouldn’t we all be stopping to help that older person cross the street, or smile at the little boy bouncing down the road?

In a world filled with self-centered people, on the look out to better themselves – we forget.  We lose the significance of a small childs laugh, and forget to see the good in a red light.  We forget.  Or we choose not to see.  Or we cant see.  Because our eyes are filled with deadlines, and due dates, projects, and self pronounced busyness.

While we are busy being too busy – life is ticking by.  Kids are growing up.  People are hurting.  The world is hurting.  But we are too busy to notice.  Instead we swing by the drive through, while on our phone, booking our next meeting.  We blaze past the old woman on the side of the road, and don’t think twice about the little boy crying.

Until its us.

Until we are old, and need help.  Until we can no longer meet our constant demands and then we realize – while we were too busy being busy, we have forgotten the only thing that really matters.  To look outside of ourselves, and help someone in need.  Because you never know when you will need a hand, or an ear, or a kind voice at the end of the line.

Instead of praising ourselves for giving a homeless man 5 cents – why don’t we scold ourselves for not thinking of others more often?

Don’t forget to pause, smile, offer a kind word.  You never know whos day you will brighten, just by giving a small bit of yourself.  Just by making a habit of being nice to others – even in your self proclaimed busyness.  Because one day, I guarantee – you will need a smile just to get you through the day, and if you don’t share one with someone – who will share one with you?

Now more than ever

I think there is a time in every kids life when you just WISH to be older. Your growing seems so slow, and you were only just a LITTLE bit older, a little bit bigger, a little bit better then everything would be ok. Everyone is constantly telling you to slow down, enjoy being little, and you scoff at them because what do they know? And then you reach a point when people stop telling you to enjoy being little. And instead of wishing you growing up you are suddenly thrust into the world of others wishing to be young again too.

There are so many things you are oblivious to even THINKING about when you are younger, that growing up seems to be the best thing possible. And yet somehow, as you get older and your mind is open to more and more things, you begin to see things in a whole new light. But by that point, it is too late to enjoy being young. The phrase enjoy being young is almost a void statement. Because while you can enjoy being young, you don’t possibly know how MUCH you should be enjoying it, because you don’t know what all you are being protected from.

Kids, like it or not, simply do not have the ability to see things how they are. Their perspective is so small, their actions and thoughts so innocent, that it often makes them intriguing to watch, and learn from. If only, we say, I could believe like a child. If only I could love and accept like a child. Wouldn’t that be great? And it would be. Except that you wouldn’t have any idea about the world around you, you would be oblivious to everything, and some days….oh some days…I wish I were oblivious. Because some days, I just don’t want to know what could happen, and what is happening. Some days, I just want to look out the window and exclaim “Its sunny, can I go out and play?” and not take into account all the things that could happen.

I see things differently these days, and not everyone can appreciate it. And I cant say that I blame them. I really don’t appreciate it either. There was a time when I enjoyed going out with friends, when I enjoyed eating new foods, and trying new things. And now the most adventurous I get is getting up in the morning. Most days the thought of eating makes me sick, and I only eat because I know if I don’t I wont have the strength to do what I want. I hate sounding depressing. I hate sounding anything near depressing because that implies that all hope is lost. And I know that isn’t true.

Its just that, life is a bit rough right now. And as I muddle through, unsure of which way to turn, being unable to google my problems away – my mind spins faster and faster. With the prospect of losing all those I love, I lose hope. I lose perspective. I lose just about everything that makes me get up in the morning, and want to sleep right through the alarm. I lose what keeps me going.

But I have to keep it together. I have to pull it together. I have to go on. I have to try. Because as much as it hurts me, it hurts others more. And I have to fight for them when they are weak, things might not be so cheery around here lately, but Im trying. Im seeking that once silver lining in the grey skies ahead, and holding out hope that there IS a clear day somewhere.

The road may be bumpy, the light may be gone, and the goings may be tougher than hell – but I cant give up now, because now is when I need to pull through. Now more then ever, I need someone to have my back, even though all my team players are gone.

Now more than ever, I wish someone would tell me to enjoy being little – because one day I will want to be young again. That day has come, where I wish to be young and carefree. That day has come where I finally understand what they meant, and now…more than ever, I wish I could scoff at them and say “Yea but being grown up is SO awesome.” And really mean it.

Tired

I want more than pictures tonight.

Im done with memories.

Im finished with remembering.

Im tired of looking through history.

Im tired of missing.

Im tired of writing.

Tired of thinking.

Tired of everything really.

I dont know why its ok to miss so much.

Im tired tonight.  And I miss them.  So much.

Memories

A few weeks ago, someone found out I have been traveling for X amount of time, and took it upon themselves to educate me in the ways of life.  The conversation was nothing short of them telling me that I needed to grow up and accept responsibility for things in my life, accept that the past happened, and embrace the future.  She ended her conversation then, by saying that she understood how I was feeling and that she knew how hard it would be for me to go home – because of all the memories.

I didn’t get mad, I couldn’t.  None of what she said was even remotely true, she might as well have been talking about the person next door because not one thing she said applied to me.  Until later that night when I got to thinking about things, and had to try not to let her words seep in deep where I knew it would be hard to erase.

Most times, I try to surround myself by those who are positive, and upbeat.  I know that if I get around those who aren’t my mood changes drastically and I spiral down rather quickly.  There are certain things I avoid, and those people happen to be one of them.  But like everything you cant avoid it forever.  And sometimes – it shows up and you cant do anything but listen.

The words about me being irresponsible, and needing to grow up really struck me as funny and nothing else.  The bit that oddly enough got to me, was when she said she knew how I was feeling and then went on to explain to me, how I was feeling.  Of course that part made me laugh a bit too – because for some reason or another, people think its great fun to tell me how I am feeling.  Or what I will like.  Or how I am.  It irritates me, but if done in small matters – I can often find the humor in it.

You see, the memories are what keep me coming back.  The memories are what keep me going.  More and more lately I feel as though the memories are all I have left, and while that is often like running on fumes instead of gasoline, sometimes its all I have.  And sometimes, those memories seem to be fast and fleeting.  I have had to accept that there is no one to replay memories to me.  I have to accept that my daughter and wife did NOT leave a big enough imprint on this world, and no one, will talk to me about them.  I have to accept that while there are others whos memory has went viral – I am left alone to remember what little I do.

And most times, I am ok with this fact.  I console myself by saying things like their memory will forever be with me and me alone – and that’s whats important.  Or that because they were important to me, I will never forget them.  I tell myself that because they are in my heart, I can hold them close.  And no one will know.

But it haunts me, at times.  The lack of memories.  The memories that seem to elude me more often than not.  The way my mind forgets about them.  But still, the memories.  They keep me going.  They keep me alive.  They keep me happy.  I go back, because that is where the memories are.

I have often said that there is something about going home.  Something finishing, something complete.  As if I am bringing everything home, and cataloging it for them.  As if all their memories remain at home, waiting for me to pick them back up again.  And no, it isn’t hard.  It isn’t hard to go back and pick those memories up and squeeze the life out of them – just for one more day.

Whats hard is going home – and knowing that’s all that is there.  Memories.  Empty, hopeless, meaningless memories.

All that is left of them.  All that is left of me.  All, that really, is left.

The memories are not the hard part, the not having them is hard.  The knowing that no one really cares about who they were, and who they are to me – is hard.

But all I can do is smile, laugh it off, and file it away as another reason why I don’t like some people.  And why I am reserved with who I talk to.  Memories.  They are a double edged sword that drives deep within.  Cant live with them, yet cant live without.  And yet they are not even whats hard.

Happy 16th Birthday

I imagine when you were little, the dreams of turning 16 were high on your hit list. The sparkly shirts, and fancy hair styles just to prove that you were well on your way to being 16 proved just that. I have often said that you were born to be a teenager, and in a way I still find that true. But in another way, I wonder how true you think it is. Do you find being a teenager harder than you thought? Is it all that you dreamed it would be? Do you ever wish you could go back to being that carefree little girl who thought 16 year olds had it made?

Watching you over the past few years has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. Now that you have officially landed in the camp of being 16, I often wonder if you really think its all that it is. No doubt you do. You drink in every minute, and don’t let any moment pass you by.

Many people say that the teenage years are hard – I have to wonder if you think the same. You seem to have gone beyond all that. Put the hardships in their place, and grabbed a hold of life with everything in you – as if you are saying you will not be beaten down, you have lived for this moment, and here you are. 16.

Looking back over all the years, time has gone so fast – which is maybe quite possibly why I still see you as being little.

This year has been far from easy – and of course you have taken it all in stride, you are growing up, and perhaps that is what makes it more difficult, not on you of course. Growing up is your thing. Watching you grow, and realizing that more and more I have to let you go, and let you grow – has proven to be more difficult on me than you. Letting go has never been, my thing.

Even though they say that I should be the one teaching you, you have always been the one teaching me. Teaching me this year to let go. There is so much I want to save you from, but realize that I cant. Saving you from something you need to experience so you can grow, would only harm you. And so it is. This year, I have let you go. I have watched as you step out, and take the world into your hands. And while I fear for you, you have no fear.

They often say that watching a three year old can be fascinating, but honestly I find watching you more fascinating. You are not put off by obstacles, you don’t stop when things get hard, and you don’t give up when they don’t go your way. You define the odds, and put the philosophers to shame. You redefine meanings, and pave your own path – not caring who casts the odd look. YOU. Show them how it is done, and don’t ask to be shown.

All in all you are a great kid, who really isnt so much a kid anymore. Somehow it seems, that you will be ok. Not because everything will go smooth for you, or because you wont have bumps in your road, but because you have the right attitude. You don’t give up. You hang on and fight, and you keep on going until you accomplish what you have set out to do. Stubbornness at its finest, and I couldn’t be more proud.

Yes there are days that I worry. Its my job, to worry about you. I worry that one day your dreams will be shattered, or that you will lose your perspective. I worry you will settle for less than the best, or that you will give into the constant demands around you. I worry that you will forget to pursue what makes YOU happy, and instead chase someone else’s dreams. But every time I worry – I am reminded. You arent just another 16 year old girl. You are YOU. You grow, and change, and learn and fall. But you always find the way up, and I have no doubts that you will be changed by the world around you – but rather the world around you, will be changed.

Every year you prove me wrong – and every year I couldn’t be more proud of who you are, and who you are becoming.

Keep teaching, keep showing, and keep living life to its fullest.

Happy 16^th Birthday kiddo,

– Your Uncle

“Never change who you are so that other people will like you
Just be yourself and the right people will love you just for being you.”

I run

Years ago I loved to run.  Running, however, did not love me.  I was never very good at it, and never participated in races or anything of the type.  It was just another way for me to clear my head, and give me something else to focus on.  Most times my feet acted as if they had cement blocks strapped to them, gravity defied me, and I was constantly out of breath.  But every once and a while I would catch a break, and for a moment I would be floating.  It was those moments that I ran for.  Of course, a short time after the extreme high, I would hit a low and not five minutes after gliding through the air, my lungs would scream “THAT’S ENOUGH!” and a sharp pain would jab me.  I would once again be forced back to reality.

The reality that I cant run.

That’s really how life is for me lately.  I love it, but it just doesn’t seem to love me.  And just when I get gliding, reality jumps up and screams “THAT’S ENOUGH!” and a sharp pain jabs me where it hurts the most, forcing me to stop.  And remember.

Smooth sailing, life is.  Ive learned to enjoy it.  To accept it.  To not worry about it.  To just hang on and free fall because I know the bad will come, and I know the good will come – and I know neither will last long.

Its been a while, infact, its been a while since I have worried about it being a while.  But then the outline of a small person.  The silhouette of a tiny nose, and I catch my breath.  I remind myself to breath, and count backwards from one thousand.  Because the small things.  They are enough to make or break it.  And honestly, I don’t want to break it again.

I miss her.  Even though its been so long.  Too long.  Long enough.  Not long enough.  I miss her in a way that I just cant explain, and in a way that words wont describe.  The missing runs deep, it goes far beyond what anyone can see – so it would only make sense that it couldn’t be described with words.  And so I don’t even try.

I stop for a moment, I catch my breath as the sharp pain jabs where it hurts the most.

And then I take a deep breath, and carry on.  One foot infront of the other, until I work back up to a steady run.  And then I will glide, and free fall.  Until my heart screams “THAT’S ENOUGH!” and once again I will hold them tight.

“There will be a day when i can no longer run.  Today is not that day.”

Awareness?

With Autism Awareness month having just begun, there are already a number of posts up related to afore mentioned topic.  I only suspect there will be more to come as the month wears on, and while I am not against it, I am not for it either.  Last year there were hundreds of posts devoted to this, hundreds of posts related to “What autism looks like” and how to “Catch autism early.”  I realize its important, that the sooner you intervene the better chance you have, I get that.  But there has been one thought nagging at me ever since.

When Josh was first “diagnosed” I was hesitant.  I didn’t want to announce to the world what label had just been stuck on him, and not only because no one was entirely sure if that was what he should be labeled with, but because I didn’t WANT him labeled.  Autism, does not define Josh, and it shouldn’t define any kid, or adult.  Autism is.  But so IS Josh.

Instead of writing ten things autism looks like, or ten things to look for in your child, I wanted to focus more on Josh, and do away with the words that come to mind when I really just want to tell a few labels off.  More and more I am tired of assumptions being made, as if Autism is a big umbrella in which every kid who appears normal, but doesn’t get along with other kids, fits neatly.  No.  They don’t.  There is NOT one umbrella, there is not one “cure” or one “way.”  What I have come to realize is that autism, is not so much a label, but a diving board in which all ideas that you thought you knew how to raise a kid – go off.

Simply put – Josh might have been diagnosed with autism (he has been diagnosed with a lot of things over the years) but he is not defined by them, and I will never allow him to be.

While everyone is picking apart and drawing attention to the word autism (and fairly so – as it is autism awareness month) I peel back, and go the opposite direction, who is Josh?

I don’t think most people realize, that when it comes down to it, most kids, no matter what the label or diagnosis, are similar in many areas, and yet somehow, once a label is applied, the view towards them is changed.  They are placed in a certain box, certain things aren’t expected of them, and other things are.  Much like every other kid, Josh wants to play and have fun.  He wants to explore, and discover.  He wants to make friends, and have a good time.  But he is held back – he struggles.  But who doesn’t?  No one is perfect, there isnt one person who DOESN’T struggle with something at some point.  His struggles however, are chocked up to his diagnosis, and no one expects him to be able to overcome them.

This is where I get off the ban wagon.  I don’t expect people to coddle him, or move out of his way, or make his life overly easy.  I don’t expect people to understand and react accordingly, I don’t expect them to treat him any differently than they would treat any other child – because he IS just a kid.  What I don’t expect, and where others are often met with diversity is the way people treat him.  As if he is the plague.  As if he is so different, there is no help and they might as well just write him off.  As soon as the word “Autism” is leaked, all hope goes out the window and you might as well have just told the person that he is a rock – that is incapable of learning, hearing, understanding or feeling.

Just because he struggles – does not mean he doesn’t understand.  Just because he doesn’t speak, does not mean he doesn’t hear.  Just because he doesn’t exchange the right emotions with you, does not mean he doesn’t feel.  He does.  Times ten.  He is in tune with everything, and understands everything.  He knows.  And if you would take the time to get to know him, the real him, without any labels or diagnosis, if you would take the time to get to know him – as you would any other person, you too would see this.

Autistic kids are not the plague.  They simply are kids.  Humans.  Tiny people.  Who want to be understood and heard as much as the next.  But if you aren’t going to take the time to listen, then why should they take the time to show.  Or speak.  Or interact.

Autism doesn’t need a month of awareness, I am pretty sure everyone already knows of its existence.  What it needs, is understanding that while it might be a label, a diagnosis, a seemingly daunting future – behind it all – is a face.  A name.  I get that Josh is different – who isnt?  I get that he might be harder to understand – who isnt?  I get that he might be harder to teach – who isnt?  Beneath all of that – there really is a child who wants to learn, who wants to show, who wants to please.  What I dont get is why people count him out just because he happens to have a label a little different than others.

“If one says “Red” and there are fifty people listening, it can be expected that there will be fifty reds in their minds.  And one can be sure that all these reds will be very different.”

Learning to Appreciate

The table is covered in marks of red and orange.  Green bits speck his hands as he hands me a loosely capped marker, and I cringe.  Trying to hold back whatever angering thoughts there might be.  Unwarranted angry thoughts, as usual.  The fact that we just spent the past hour painstakingly attempting to get him to do the simplest task, a task that he himself has done many times before – but refuses to do when asked.

Control.  Isnt that what we are all after?  Isnt that what we all crave?  A little bit of control.  It shouldn’t be that much to ask for, but it is.  Especially as 9’o’clock rolls around, and we still haven’t finished what we set out to do.

Frustration, anger, discouragement.  All words that flood over me, as well as the all too familiar guilt that seeps in unnoticed, waiting for me to acknowledge that once again, I have failed.

So often I am tempted to let my mind wander.  And ask questions such as what would life be like, had things not gotten so complicated.  What if he were a NORMAL child.  A word that screams at me not to use.  Deep down I know the answers, I know the problems, and I know the solutions.  But sometimes….I want to take the easy way out.  I want a normal family, with normal problems, and normal kids.

It doesn’t seem like too much to ask for.

For once, I wish I could be the parent with the issues related to things that seem so simple.  Instead I am stuck researching words that I don’t even want to know what mean.  STUCK!  Another word to add to my seemingly endless list of words I hate.  Because I know.  I know.  I know.  Most days, I know.  And I am ok with knowing.

I know that I am among the lucky.  That I still have so much to be thankful for.  That normal is overrated, and really I should be happy with the more complex issues because they give me a completely different perspective.  I know all this, and I believe it.  With everything in me.  But some days…

Some days…I just want to sample the what if.  And so I do.  I indulge myself in thinking that things went my way, and for once I am not alone in this world, trying desperately to glue together the broken fragments of life.  I imagine a life without so much pain, and not so much sadness.  A world starkly different than the one I have.

I can only stay there for so long, and then I have to come back to reality.  I have to shake the selfish wants from my mind, and open my eyes to what surrounds me.  And be thankful.  Thankful for marker colored tables, and problems I don’t know how to deal with.  Thankful…because it means I still have something.  Someone.  Who gives meaning to my world, even on the darkest days.

“Sometimes you have to forget whats gone.  Appreciate what still remains and look forward to whats coming next.”

I believe

I believe.

I believe that having a bad day does not mean you are depressed.

I believe that spanking your kids does not make you a bad parent.

I believe that a smile can turn anyones day around.

I believe that everyone is too busy being busy, in a rat race of life.

I believe that if we all slowed down, and took time to appreciate what we had – we wouldn’t want more.

I believe that the sky is grey, and not blue.

I believe that the sun exists.  Behind the clouds.

I believe that behind the clouds of many people, is sun.

I believe that many people choose not to look beyond.

I believe that so many people hurt.  Yet cover it up.  Out of fear.  And shame.

I believe that everyone is fighting a battle.  A hard battle.

I believe that being kind to someone does no harm.

I believe that life is short.  Time is quick.  Moments are fleeting.

I believe that love is hard.

I believe that it will be ok.  If not today, tomorrow.  If not tomorrow, the next day.

I believe that a positive attitude goes far.  So far.

I believe that many people choose the easy route.  The same route.  The boring route.

I believe that people are scared.  And that their choices, day in and out – reflect their fears.

I believe that life is hard.  People are mean.  And feelings are real.

I believe that sometimes, you just need that extra boost.

I believe that kids are brats.  Yes, even yours.  Even mine.

I believe that kids grow up to be adults, who are also brats.

I believe that adults who grow up being brats – hurt other people.  On purpose, because they are scared.

I believe that people need to grow up, and stop hurting others.

I believe that we humans have great potential, but we have been beat down so far, by others, by ourselves, by society, by life – that we forget to stop.  To look outside the box.  To see the good in others.  To smile.  To give a helping hand.  To help someone else.

I believe.  That you are more than you think you are.

I believe that you want to be more.  But maybe you don’t think you can be.

I believe.

I believe because I know.  I have been that kid.  That adult.  I have been hurt, and I have hurt others.  Intentionally, and unintentionally.  I believed that I could be nothing.  And I believe that while I might not be a great name in history, that maybe I could do something small.

I believe.  That with a positive attitude, a smile, and a little luck – you too, can do something.  No matter how small.

“Small things can make a big difference.  It takes only a small pin to burst a big balloon.”