The reality that isnt mine

I find myself in a library in Canada with less than an hour before I get on the ferry and head home. The timer in the corner reminds me that I have 27 minutes left before my time on the computer is done, and my mind is filled with thoughts. Im thinking of the kids, or whats happened, and what will happen. Im thinking of the changes that will be made, and how I don’t know what way is right, or wrong. But Im also thinking of how much I miss them, and how hard it has been to have been away this time. Im thinking of the phone conversation I had with Madison, and how she was so upset. Im thinking of the things that happened, that my mom did, and the respect I lost (if I had any) for her.

But I also find myself with another thought. A thought that I didn’t think I would honestly have again. A thought I didn’t think I would battle with, and a thought that I never entertained as an option TO have. This past week, I have found myself thinking of someone I know, and who knows me perhaps better than anyone in the world…and I have found myself missing her. I have found myself staying away late at night, thinking of this person, dreaming of her, and have even found myself admitting to her, that I love her.

But this is where it gets frustrating.

While most people would be overjoyed at the thought of a new start, at love again, at a relationship where the feelings are mutual….I find myself freezing. Freaking out. And even trying to tell myself to back away. I had the opportunity to meet her, an online friend I have known for years, but I passed it up. I said no. I drove away before I let myself entertain the thoughts of meeting her. Even though the truth is that I thought of her, and her alone the whole way down and back.

I don’t know, exactly, what Im afraid of. I don’t even know if its really fear itself. But rather the reality that I cant do this again. That I cant, and wont put someone through it again. That I made myself a promise years ago that I would never LOVE someone again…and here I am, professing love for someone I have never, technically met, but know better than I do anyone else. And would trust with anything and everything.

I have thought, these past few days, over the options. I have thought so hard that I woke up this morning with black bags under my eyes and a pounding head ache.

The plain and simple truth is that I don’t know.

I don’t know how it happened, when it happened, or if it will even happen.

I don’t know what to do, or where to turn.

I don’t want someone telling me to just go for it, because she has told me that already, and I trust her more than anyone.

I don’t need any more options.

I just don’t know what to do, except it isn’t in a bad way this time.

I find myself writing letters, getting excited, and telling her things that I swore I would never tell another human being again. And yet…in the middle of Canada, with thoughts heavy on my mind…I find myself smiling, laughing, and even getting excited.

I tell her that I need to take myself back to reality, and she tells me this is reality.

She completes my sentences, my thoughts and my life…but I pull back, and try to push away, because while it is great, and while I feel so alive and free when I talk to her, I know it cant ever go any further. I know it shouldn’t go any further.

I just wish, sometimes…in a small little way…that this reality, could be mine.

Please excuse any errors…I dont have spell check.

Opps

I guess I forgot to mention that I was leaving town. I guess its a little late now, but I will hopefully be back Tuesday. Until then…

There are options…

…and then there are options.

I don’t know, I guess I thought by now I would have it all figured out. Like somehow these past few years wouldn’t be for nothing, and gradually things would get easier, or atleast, a little less difficult. You know, maybe I could reach the point where taking all three kids to town, wouldn’t be an all day adventure that ended with screaming and yelling, and an early bed time for all involved? But apparently, that isn’t the case.

Its not JUST Josh that makes things difficult, infact, its really unfair to say that everything that is difficult is because of him. Its just how it is. Some reason, kids + me = nothing but difficulty. Everyone, anyone else, seems to be able to handle them fine. I see people with 6+ kids, going through the store with no problems. Nothing. 6 kids, and no problems, yet I have ½ the amount of kids, and I cant even keep my cool. Or figure things out. Or any of that.

Its not just Josh that I have a hard time understanding. Its not just Josh that I wonder if Im doing the right thing for, sure, he takes the spot light a majority of the time, and his problems outweigh things more often than not, but to be honest…Im just as clueless with the other two as I am with him. Autism or not.

Someone, the other day told me that things “Only got easier” from here on out, after she asked the ages of the kids. I thought at first she was joking, I wondered if it was sarcasm. Easier? But she was serious, and went on to say that after a certain age, things just get easier…and went on to say how and why…and all of that. I couldn’t help but wonder…is it just me? Just us? Just…this? Is it really suppose to get easier? Because so far, that theory hasn’t panned out so well. Infact, things have just gotten harder. Atleast in one aspect. I used to think that the younger ages were difficult because I had no clue why they would suddenly start crying, and well, they weren’t really able to say why either. “If only they could talk” were my famous last words.

And now? Now I say “If only they’d shut up” because it seems they never stop talking, arguing, bickering, fighting, and talking back – with reasons on why they cant do something. Or help someone…and so forth.

This past week, I have really debated some hard topics. Atleast for me, they have been hard. The majority of it boiling down to whats best for the kids, Josh, was the hot topic of the week. But the other two weren’t far from my mind.

Nothing really made sense, and the more I thought about it, the harder it was to think things over with a clear perspective. I finally just had to say that I was done with it for a while. I needed to let things clear up before I could make an actual decision. Which is where we are now. Waiting. Because I don’t know what to do.

I know there are a lot of options for Josh. Many different ways we could go with things, and Im split 50/50. I ultimately want whats best for him, but the nagging question of what IS best, is constantly at the front of my mind. I could passionately seek out the best of help for him, I have considered just about every option that has come into my mind, or been offered by different people, and as the week came to a close, I was ready to just sign him back over the state, fully convinced that would be the best for all involved.

Ive considered moving, Ive considered institutions for brief periods of time, Ive considered adoption, and just about everything else. But I havent been able to come up with a sold decision on WHATS best. Not only for him, but for them all. Because while I could get him more therapy, and more help, I have to wonder…later down the road, is keeping him, keeping them, going to do more harm than good?

Weve come a long way. Atleast, I like to think we have…

I think back over the places we have been, and even though I know we have a long ways to go, and many difficulties to over come…I cant help but think that if we can just make it through this, we can keep going until we make it to our next problem…and then we will figure out how to get through that, because we have to. There are other options, yes. Many of them. Many of options that get me confused, and frustrated, and angry and upset. Options that I don’t know are best…but options that Im going to try and not think about, until all of THESE options, are exhausted.

Why?

Because we have to.

There really isn’t any other option.  Atleast not yet.  Until we have exhausted every avenue there is to exhaust.  For now, we will try, try and keep trying.

Giving it a rest

Before I send myself over the edge, and go any crazier, Im just going to give this topic a rest for a little while until I can think things over, before making a choice for him.

Still just unsure…

I don’t know how many times I have signed on today, with the intentions of taking the past three days down. Because if I take them off, they will go away, right? But when I get on here, I realize once again, that no matter how hard I try, no matter how far I run, no matter WHAT I do, or WHERE I go, I will still have the same problems, I can run from anyone, but I cant ever outrun myself. I cant ever outrun my problems. I cant ever leave myself behind and just…go. I cant take down the past, I cant make it disappear, I can pretend it didn’t happen, but that wont change the outcome. I can stall, but it wont change the future.

But I still cant get my mind clear enough to say, with clear words, and thoughts what I mean. What I want. Because I still havent been able to find a way to make people understand.

It may not be this way, but this is how it is to me, and that makes it all the more real, to me atleast.

Im having to choose. Between kids. Im having to pick my favorites, and say my reasons…and its not something Im able to do right now, and I don’t know if its something I will ever be able to do.

Ive tried to find the things I wrote, that I could link back to say and sat “This is what Im referring to” but the further I look, the more things I remember, and the more my heart breaks for the little boy who wont ever know that he didn’t do anything wrong.

I stupidly made the conscious choice to let myself love these kids like my own, and that has only proven to make this decision, even more difficult. I stupidly let myself get close to them, to let myself *Think* that this was the beginning on a new year, and we were going to tackle it, think or thin, together. I don’t know how I could really be so stupid sometimes, but I am. Because now its all coming back to bite me. Or kick me. Or defeat me. Im not sure. Only time will tell.

I knew where I was going, about a month ago. Going somewhere, wherever, if didn’t really matter. Because we were going there; and we would get there, together. But now…Now I don’t know. Now the only thing that is certain is were going in circles, and the circles are just prolonging the actual process that will once again hurl us down the road of the unknowns…and while I know it might be best…while I know it might be worth it, while I know that it might be the best…I don’t know if it is, for certain. For 100% fact, that is the best…and that, combined with the fact that I have let myself, and the love for the kids get in the way…has made this a very difficult few weeks…

And Im still, just as sure as I was a few days ago: Unsure.  About anything.

Wishing I knew…

I will say now, that no decisions have been made. I don’t even know if Im going to make a decision. I don’t know, honestly. I just don’t know, but I think I already covered that.

I have been talking with a friend of mine, who knows the situation about as well as anyone…I have been rereading her emails, over and over, trying to get some last bit of information, having really, no idea what to do, or where to go.

I mentioned it to someone else this evening, that I had a decision that I really needed to make, but didn’t want to. And she replied, guessing that I was talking about Josh, and giving him up. Her words, although not intentional Im sure, were blunt. She said basically that Josh wont understand anyways, so its not going to hurt him any. He wont know, so it should be ok. Then she went on to say that if I do Get rid of him to make sure I atleast gave him to someone who would do better with him. Im trying not to get hung up on them, because I know they weren’t meant the way I took them (and I really appreciate different opinions)…but dammit…as if it weren’t hard enough.

My biggest fear is that Josh will grow up and NOT know. That he wont have ANY clue that there are or were, and always will be people out there who love him. You hear stories about kids who were adopted out into families who truly do love them, but they never tell them about their real family, and as a result the kid grows up thinking that no one out there from their real family cared enough to even stay in contact. I know this. Ive been there. I get that. And it sucks. I don’t want that for him.  But maybe none of that matters.

These past three days have been really hard.

Its like everyone is already counting Josh off. Like he doesn’t REALLY matter because he doesn’t REALLY understand anyways.

But like I tried to explain to that same person earlier, no, he doesn’t understand my words. He understands actions. He knows, that if I come back, over and over and over, that I most likely WILL continue to come back. Ive told him that I wont leave him, Ive told him this, and while he may not understand this, I have also followed up with actions. I have always come back for him. Hes finally starting to realize this.

But I also know it doesn’t stop there. I want the best for him, I really, truly, honestly do. I just don’t know what the best is.

I read back over everything I had written, starting before I even got him back. Reading over everything. Where I promised that I would fight to the end, to get him.

I just don’t want to screw anything up anymore.

Someone asked me tonight if I was, and I said I was fine, because I was going to try and be. But the honest truth of it all is that Im not. Im not ok. I want someone to tell me that it will be ok. Even though I know it wont be. I want to see to the end of this hellish road that it seems were starting all over again, and know when, or if its going to end. I want to see twenty years in the future, and see how Josh turns out. I NEED to know whats best, and I just don’t…

I know what everyone else thinks is best. Hes been counted off by just about everyone…why am I still trying? What am I holding onto? What am I trying to hope for?

“I know what decision I have to make, I just don’t want to make it” is what I said.
Her reply was “Because you are to attached to him…”

And I don’t think there are words that have hurt that bad in a long time.

I certainly hope I am not trying to dampen his future because I am attached to him. I certainly HOPE I am not trying to hold him back from all the wonderful possibilities because I am attached to him. I HOPE I AM NOT SCREWING UP LIVES BECAUSE I AM ATTACHED TO THEM. Because DAMMIT that’s just not right.

Its not fair. Its not fair that he cant understand, that I cant give him more. Its just not fair that this cant work out…It isn’t. Its not fair to him. He deserves so much MUCH more. More than I could give him, yes. But he also deserves so MUCH more than what has been given TO him, and what anyone else could give to him. He deserves SO much more. So much.

I read back over everything I had written and labeled “Kids.” I read what they had said, and smiled at memories.  One or two caught my attention. I wonder if its just me, making something out of nothing.

But that’s just one side.

My mind fights over what side is right. The side that says keeping him here is the best, is quickly outnumbered by the thoughts that yell Im ruining any chance of a future for him.

I like to think that I love them so much, that if it were best for him, I would look into other options, but I think there might be some truth to what was said earlier…maybe I am just to attached to him. Maybe, just maybe…I let myself, get in the way, of whats really best.

I promised I would fight for him, I promised it would be ok:

“I wont stop fighting for you, no matter what…If you can fight, then so can I…it’s the least I can do for you…” - Just a note to say…5-14-09

“Sometimes all I can do is whisper to him that its ok, that hes ok, and that everything will be ok. I can only hope that it is. That he is, and that everything else will be as well.” – Its all I can do 2-24-09

Are they just empty threats? Do they matter, considering he probably wont remember them, and he most likely didn’t understand them? Does it mean nothing that he has close enough to be, siblings? Does giving him up mean I should reconsider my decision to take on the older two as well?

I just wish I knew. I really wish I knew.  Im trying desperatly to seperate fact from fiction.  Truth from false.  Fact from opinion.  But Im having a real difficult time.  Im trying to remind myself that this isnt the death sentence, even though it weighs on me like it is.  I just wish.  So bad.  That I knew.

I just…

Someone casually asked me how I was last night, and while my intentions were good, I muttered something out like “I just…I just…I just” while they stared at me as if I had two heads, and then I just nodded and walked off…because I just…I just…I just.

Its like my mind is blank, completely blank. Its empty. Its full. Full of nothing. And so that makes it either completely full or completely empty…and to be honest, I don’t really know what it is at the moment.

Im just lost, and that’s all I know.

Lost with my thoughts, with my words, with my decisions. One minute I think I have it all figured out, and the next is a caravan of thoughts that I don’t even know where came from. I know this probably sounds random, completely random. But its not. Its been building. For some time…I just havent said anything, because I just don’t know how.

Ive reached the place where I need to make a decision. A decision regarding Josh. Anyone whos read anything will most likely know where I am heading with this, and while I really don’t want to carry on with this thought train…I kind of need to. Because I need to get it out. I need to understand. I need to…

I just don’t know what to do. I cant place the emphasis on the words like I would like, because it changes every few minutes. My mind is completely swimming with thoughts, its flooded, overwhelmed, yet oblivious at the same time to the impact this decision will have.

I just don’t know. I just…DON’T know. I JUST don’t know. I just…don’t KNOW! I just don’t know. I don’t, and I don’t know how else to say it. Ive turned those words into clichés faster than anything I know. “Just” and “Don’t.” Because right now, they are the only two words that make sense.

Because I don’t. I really don’t know.

This past month, I have been pondering over something. Approaching it quietly, feeling it out. Wondering about it, but not wanting to believe it. And not even daring to say it.

Ive worked this hard, for this long, and I wasn’t going to give up. But things…have changed…and Ive reached the point that I don’t know what is best for Josh. The only thing I do know, is that he isn’t getting the help he needs from me, that he isn’t making the progress he needs, and that he just isn’t getting what he needs from me. I could change it. I could quit my job, stay home with him, and devote my time, 24/7 to him. But eventually there are bills that would need paid, and not to mention the other two who I would have to completely cut out…and it all just sounds so unfair.

To all involved.

I just…

I never imagined this day coming, these thoughts arriving, this…place being a reality. I didn’t. When I fought to get him back, I was fighting for him for life. I was fighting to get him, to keep him, to love him, forever. No matter what. Good, bad and ugly. I was ready. I needed to do it…

And now,

Im completely dissolved.

I don’t know what is best for him, I don’t know if this is best for him, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder…and the more I realize, and the more I know, and the more I just don’t want to think about it, because if I don’t think about it, it will all go away, right?

Someone who knows where Im currently at in this situation asked a very thought provoking question last night, a question that had me up all night thinking about. She asked:

“Can you live with yourself for doing the right thing for the kid”

And I didn’t, and still don’t. Have an answer.

Part of my mind thinks I know what the right thing is, and the other part doesn’t. One part of my mind says the right thing is to, try and give him better help here, and the other says I cant. One part wants to try harder, do more, do ANYTHING for the kid, and the other says I wont ever come close.

What is the right thing for him? I don’t even know what is, so how can I even try and give it to him. I don’t know what it is, so how could I live with myself for doing it? I don’t know. Im confused. My head hurts from thinking so long, and I just cant go any further with these thoughts. I just don’t know. I don’t.

I don’t know where to go, what to do, or how to think…I just, don’t.

Unsure

I just don’t know what to say, I am completely clueless as to where to go. Im just…not sure. I don’t know how to say it because I don’t want to say it, and I don’t know how to explain what I don’t understand or know. I just don’t know.

I dont know where she got it…

…but it wasnt from me.

When talking with Madison, I often wonder if Im talking to myself. Not all the time, but a majority of the time, its like she can read my mind. She says what Im thinking, and tends to know, just by looking, if I think what shes about to do is ok or not. Maybe it’s a girl thing, the intuitiveness that she has. I couldn’t be for sure.

Its been a long while, as it often is, since I have sat down to talk with just her. To spend some time, with just her. And while I know those days are going to be quickly coming to an end, I figured I would try and squeeze another one in. Its not something I ever plan on, although it might make things easier. Its just something, that happens, and I find us with a block of time where there will be no interruptions for either one of the boys. Which is where this afternoon found us, when I picked her up from a friends.

She picked a place, and not 15 minutes later I had heard all about her week, the time when I was gone, her school, her teachers and everything else that was on her mind. I slugged back my coffee, and she chipped away at the sugar loaded drink that would eventually, kick me in the rear end.

It was quiet for a few minutes, both of us lost in our own thoughts, when she broke the silence with her question of the decade. The one that stumps me for years to come, and sits in that place in my mind begging to be answered. “Why does Josh have to go to therapy.” her words stopped and hung off that invisible cliff…and as I scrambled to find an answer, she continued on as she often does, trying to find an answer to her own question.

Everything she said, was tinted with a question, and she wasn’t finding the answers she was hoping for. Why did he go to therapy, if we were suppose to love him how he was. Why did he attend special classes, if he was ok how he was. Why did he need extra help, if he was ok. And most importantly…why do people use words like “Different” and other words, if he isn’t?

She knows to an extent, what Josh has been through. That he has some problems, that he needs some help. That we will love him, no matter what, and that isn’t something I have had to tell them, its something that they have showed me. They know that Josh needs help with certain things, that he reacts differently than other kids, but to them, he is “Normal” he is Josh, and I don’t want that to change. I don’t want them looking at him through different eyes, just because someone else may be, and I certainly don’t want my thoughts, and my doubt to rub off on them.

I didn’t have a speech prepared, didn’t have time to get all my thoughts in order, and so I muddled my way through. Josh has a few problems, that he needs help to over come, and so forth. He might be different, but we all are different, and so forth and so on. When I got to the end of my speech, she had a confused look on, and I could tell I was about to be done in by a 12 year old.

“Yea…I know all that” she could have rolled her eyes in disgust. After all, she is the one constantly reminding everyone, by her acts, that no matter what, she will love them.

“But why…”

She paused, and I braced myself for the big one.

“But why doesn’t anyone else?”

She continued on. Saying that she understands this, and she knows all of that, and beyond, but wondered why other people, didn’t.

And when I didn’t have an answer to her question, she went on to attempt an answer for herself.

She mentioned that a few of her class mates had asked her about Josh, and asked her what “His problem was” and when she replied saying that he didn’t HAVE any problems, they all just laughed at her. Why. She wondered. If it was so simple, why couldn’t they understand?

This kid has got smarts beyond her years, or atleast, beyond MY years. How was I suppose to explain something to her, that I didn’t understand, and like so many times before, I had to confess to her that I didn’t know.

Which was nothing new. She already KNEW that, she said. To which, of course, I had to laugh at.

She asked a few more questions, taking herself back down to my level, and as we got ready to leave, she ended the conversation by saying that if they didn’t understand, then she would just have to teach them how to understand…

She tossed her cup away, and as the sugar began to fill her blood stream, her goofy, fun filled, 12 year old self returned, and she took off running down the road.

…and like so many many times before, Im left trying to understand the dust that she leaves behind…

Second guessing all the way

When I made the decision to get the kids back, I also made the decision to take things one day at a time, and if at any time, I thought that it wasn’t the best situation for the kids, I would change whatever it was, to make it the best.

There have been many up and downs the past year. Many times that I have wondered if this really is the best, and have considered changing things. Ive taken the advice of a lot of people, and tried different things, trying always to put the kids first, and no opinion of anyone else.

But today I sit here with yet another question, another problem, another wonder. All leading me back to the same thing. Is this really the best for the kids? It takes me back to the drawing board, to square one, back to start. What is the best? What would be the best? What is ideal in this situation? What can I do to make it better? What needs improved?

I have been skeptical, for a while now, of calling the kids mine. I refer to them as the kids, I love them like they were mine, but something about calling them mine, making it final, sealing the deal, seeing the papers, putting myself in the spot where I am responsible for them…hasn’t been easy. In a way, I almost wish for the days when the state would show up weekly. I almost with for the chaos that came with court visitors, and so forth. Yes, it was a mess, it was a disaster, I was constantly looking over my shoulder wondering, and waiting. But I still do. Atleast then I knew what was expected, and if I wasn’t meeting the standards, they would tell me – or take the kids – or something. If things weren’t ideal, they would write up a slip, and check back in a week.

It was hard, yes. But I knew where we were going, and I knew we were atleast on track. I had someone watching to see if I screwed up, I had someone there, to tell me, if the kids best interest was being forfeited…and if I needed to change something. Plus the house was cleaned atleast once a week. For a few hours.

One thing about “Parenting” solo is that I don’t have anyone to watch and tell me when Im screwing this up. I don’t have someone to bounce ideas off of, or to bounce other ideas back. I don’t know if what Im doing is right, or if somewhere down the road, this, what I thought was right, wont be. I don’t have that second opinion, another view, a different perspective…and so I look to others, and try to find something that tells me what Im doing is ok.

Even if its not.

I take the advice that is given, and I try to put it to use. I try to listen to what others say, and see if our lives compare in any way. I try to follow the examples of other people, the words of other people, I try to take what I can and put it to use, to do whats best for the kids…because what people so often fail to realize, is that I have no clue what Im doing.

Im going through the motions, doing what I think I need to do, watching for errors, and not having any clue if any of this is right. When something happens with the kids…when they get in trouble at school, when they come home with a friends parent early, because of something that happened, when they act out, I start to wonder, and look for something that is going wrong, and to be honest, a lot of the times…I find many errors. Many.

Throwing Josh into the mix, and Im lost. Completely. My mind cant wrap itself around all that is going on with him, I can apply enough time to him, and I cant devote every minute of my life to finding the help he needs. I have other things to do as well. There are two other kids, a house, a car, a job, bills to pay, things to do and places to go. I don’t have 24 hours to devote solely to Josh, and his care…and it makes me wonder if maybe, just maybe, this isn’t the right situation for him.

Sure. Hes in a house where he knows hes loved, and he has started to warm up to things. Sure. Hes a great kid, whos smart and funny and sometimes stubborn. I get that. But hes also a kid with problems that I cant begin to understand. I tried. To understand. I really did. But the plain and simple truth is that I don’t understand parenting 101, how can I understand parenting 500, and then some.

I see him every morning, struggle with the things he does, I want to help, and I try to help, but more often then not, I get in his way, and wind up getting us both frustrated. I don’t help him do the things he needs to do, and I don’t encourage him the way I should. I don’t allow him extra time to get dressed, because we have less than 3 minutes to get out the door, and I don’t have time to wait. I don’t try and sound words out for him, and point out each and everything we see, because I have something else that is bugging to be done.

As bad as it sounds, and as off the charts as Im going to sound, and as unethical as this is going to be, and as horrible of an uncle as it will make me sound like: I don’t understand him. I don’t understand autism. I don’t understand PTSD. I don’t understand. I just don’t.

Ive tried. Ive read the books, Ive taken advice, Ive applied myself, but it’s a blank slate, a blank world, and all I know what to do, is do what people have told me, and try…try…try.

When I came home from this trip, the talk of the house was that Josh was repeating certain words. He was in bed at the time, but the next morning, he repeated certain things when prompted. His words didn’t have meaning behind them, they were simply things he was repeating, when told. The world “Ball” held as much meaning as “Bed.” He clammed up when he got on the bus, and wouldn’t repeat anything for his teachers, or therapist.

But it made me stop, and wonder.

Hes making more progress when Im gone, maybe this isn’t the best.

Maybe THIS. Maybe everything that Ive fought for him, isn’t the best. I never claimed to understand, but maybe Im really missing something big here…I know he needs more. I know he needs something else, but I don’t know what…and it takes me back to square one. It makes me think about things all over again…it makes me wonder, and as hard as it is to entertain…I cant help but wonder if maybe, maybe…there is something better out there for him, and Im getting in the way, wanting to keep him. Wanting him here. Wanting him.